We all have secrets. We all have parts of ourselves that we don’t show the world. In our current reality, it’s so much easier to curate our lives. Since a lot of our engagements are made through apps and gadgets, we get to control how we are seen based on what we want others to view ourselves. It’s easy to show only the good parts of ourselves and mask this as authentic.
Why do we hide ourselves?
There’s an underlying fear of rejection and losing that sense of belongingness that motivates us to attempt to be who we believe is a more likeable and agreeable version of ourselves. It’s accepting the satisfaction of being loved for who we try to be rather than risk being rejected for who we really are. Then, even if we do face rejection, it’s because they didn’t like our mask and it’s not really because they didn’t like us.
Is this bad?
If we look at this logically, this is fine, right? It’s normal to adjust yourself to certain situations and people. It’s normal to have secrets. We think, what is appropriate for this moment? What is the right response? How should I act? We police ourselves. That in itself isn’t wrong. But this can form a habit of us hiding certain parts of ourselves for other people and putting more weight on what they think of you more than how you might feel. It can affect how comfortable you are around people, or how open you allow yourself to be. If these suffer, it can be more difficult to start and maintain meaningful relationships and genuine connections.
The darker side of this is being used to hiding that sometimes we also forget who we really are. You might find yourself believing you’re the person you created. You might feel the pressure to keep up your bubbly disposition because that’s how people know you. You may feel dissatisfied with life even when you try to rationalize your way out of it. You can think about how you have shelter, food, friends, family, and all those things so why do you feel sad? What’s lacking? And sometimes, you might even think that you’re not good enough.
What can we do?
We mask to be accepted. The fear that we will be abandoned keeps us from being who we really are. We’re placing our value based on how likeable we are. The first thing that we need to do is accept reality. Rejection is part of life. Building relationships will always carry risk because people change and feelings can also change. Outgrowing people is normal and okay. You can still care and love someone and know that they’re not good for you and vice versa. People can come and go, and who stays or the number of friends you still have, is not what makes you a good person. It’s not what makes you great or deserving of love.
Unlearning habits can be difficult, especially if there are people in your life that don’t fit with who you really are. This can be those people you have connections with because you adjusted yourself for them. It might be a good relationship on the surface, but if you’re letting things slide these people might not respect the boundaries you enforce when you do. Once you accept this reality, create those boundaries and push even though it’s hard. You’ll find that those who stick around are your people, those you can really, and truly be yourself with. You deserve that love, that community, that family. No matter what. So just be you.
