I’d be lying if I tell you that I’m not having any problems starting this piece. For one, there are just too many possible ways to open discussions about mental health. Second, it’s just too close to home, making it challenging to find the right words. Third, sharing something so personal requires emotional catharsis. Nevertheless, I will try to lay it out the best way I know and can.
Tick tock. The lack of familiar sounds, other than my clock, is eerily deafening. I reach out for my phone to check the time – it’s 2 in the morning. It probably explains the eerie feeling of knowing you are alone in your quiet room while hearing your walls scream gibberish things. It’s so dark and bright in all the wrong places, and I’m starting to grow weary.
For the lack of better word
“You are going to be just fine.” I often wonder where other people find their optimism. Alas, some of us may have missed the memo when God opened the floodgates of the heavens and showered the earth with it. Some of us may not have been getting any luck in finding that sense of hope and peace of mind – even in the confines of a place we desperately want to call home.
Do you find peace in knowing you have a family you can count on? How about money? A job that pays the rent? Or a clique that always cheers you up whenever you’re feeling defeated? While others find strength in knowing that they are not alone, some of us just couldn’t help but suffer in silence – struggling to utter words other than “I’m okay” when in reality, they’re not. They hold on to these two words while hoping others would see through things and save them from themselves. It’s the only kind of peace some of us could afford – admitting that there will be days that we’ll need saving.
Anxiety in every face and every voice
Some can carry themselves well in front of a crowd and then proceed to hide in the bathroom stall to try to catch their breath and hold their crumbling pieces together. The very idea of being at the center of things or the nerve-racking feeling of constantly being looked at eventually catches up. When you’re unlucky, you could lose peace in a place you consider a safe space. So you go home and try to put yourself to sleep just to wake up and go through the same sick cycle carousel the next day.
Some sounds draw us back to sanity. But some voices come in booming bass drops. In moments of solitude, some of us find solace. But others find it the hardest when the only thing they could hear is their own thoughts, not even the best kind. They try to ride it out and carry on with whatever emotional bandwidth they have left. When your most formidable rival has already placed an X-mark to the spot where to hit you best, sometimes, the only thing you can do is to stand fast and hope that you do not end up losing so much.
Two masks for an unhappy camper
Depression has different shapes and forms. It could be seen from a person who always makes everyone laugh and goes home feeling hollowed and disconnected. It could manifest in someone who actively participates and always goes their way to get things done. Some people we know could be the happiest in the room, but the saddest when they come home.
It’s an enemy that keeps coming back to life and sneaks in through the back of our minds. It never misses its mark. It never fails to dig up memories we’d rather forget – eventually using it to render us defenseless.
Ray of sunshine
When the COVID-19 pandemic loomed in, it highlighted the pressing need for better access to mental health support. The National Center for Mental Health recorded monthly average calls of 907 during the onset of the pandemic, a 50% increase. Fifty-three of these were suicide-related.
In a country that still considers mental health taboo, it’s no surprise that many of us go through the struggles of dealing with something they deem unreal. There’s a sad reality that some of us only have our beliefs to hold on to – thinking it’s just a state of mind or that it can be prayed away. Your beliefs can help you get through the tough times. No one can take that away from you. But if you are looking for something else to hold on to, I hope you find it here. We see you when no one can, we hear you even when nobody’s listening. We are here and you are not alone.
I want you to see for yourself that you are trying your best to carry on. Not everyone has access to professional help and medication. Some cannot even bring themselves to get checked in fear of not knowing and having no means to deal with it. But if you get to this part, always remember that help is given to those who need it.
As someone who has been carrying the abovementioned things, and then some, for nearly two decades now, I want you to know that your struggles are valid. What you feel or what you think you are going through is valid. Whether you deal with it or not is also valid. Turn your fears into vessels of hope by acknowledging what’s in front of you. They don’t make you less; they make you you. You are all good. Whole and complete.
If you are seeking assistance or if you think you need professional help, contact NCMH CRISIS HOTLINE, which can be reached at 0917 899 8727 (USAP), and 989 8727 (USAP), operating 24/7.
